That moment between

 Mr Stubbs is going to die on Monday.  So, now I am faced with the realization that every moment I spend with him, every moment I can feel him and see him alive is finite.  

I mean, every moment we have with almost anyone can be measured against the time we have without them after they are gone.  And sometimes we don't know who we will outlive, but most times we can have a fairly good bet.  This is the first time in recent memory when I've known when someone I love is going to die and it's just as heart breaking as I imagined.

The worst thing is that he's so uncomfortable.  There's a last time for all those moments, the last time he jumped up on my lap, the last time he crawled up on the bed, the last time he purred.  Even though he's not dead yet, I didn't realize I had missed all those moments already, and that part really hurts.  I didn't see how fast he was going down hill and so I didn't savour those moments.  I can't even make him purr, anymore.

The moment I made the appointment with the vet was both heartbreaking and relieving.  I'm sad that I couldn't get a vet to come to our home sooner, but I am happy that I at least get one more weekend with him.  And I know that it's time.  He's done.  He can't eat.  He can barely walk.  I've tried giving him so many different foods and it's just getting harder and harder for him to eat.  He's so skinny.  Even skinnier than he was when we found him.

I try to think of all the good times we've had over the last 3 years.  It's been almost exactly 3 years since I trapped him.  3 years since I saw him, cold and matted out in the frozen winter.  1 month skittering in our garage, 3 weeks in a cage in the spare room.  How quickly he became a lap cat after he realized he was safe.  So many cuddles and purrs and happy times since then.

My furry baby.  Who helped me get over the loss of Lucy.  Who wouldn't leave my side whenever I was home.  Who would sleep on my chest or my lap at every opportunity. Who hounded me first thing in the morning.  Who scratched at the door.

I will miss him.  I have learned from him.  He taught me about gratitude.  About how you should always be grateful for the things that are given to you.  About how every opportunity is a gift.  About how every gift is an opportunity. An opportunity to make more of yourself, or make the world a better place.  

He is a good cat.  I am thankful for the opportunity to say goodbye.

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